My Story

Just recently I read a book by Paul Noilse. I find I’m always getting challenged by new concepts in sobriety. My limiting beliefs were getting expanded by new knowledge. One that really struck me was that you didn’t like who you were. And you sought ways to change that. When I was in grade four I had to get glasses. I didn’t want to be that kid but I had no choice. My Dad gave all us kids military style haircuts, my mom bought us unfashionable clothes and shoes. Now I had this glasses to add to my repertoire. The first day I wore glasses I got my biggest friends to walk around the school with me. Just daring anyone to say anything. No one did say anything and we didn’t have to beat up anyone that day.

As I grew older I got a paper route. That led to being picked on a lot. I took up smoking to try and fit in. Kids stopped picking on me and my nickname became Smokey. I remember my parents looking after my paper route when I won a free camping trip to Bowen Island. I was so paranoid one of the kids would say `Where’s Smokey?’ to one of my parents. By the time I was 16 years old and legal to smoke I was trying to cut down to 10 cigarettes a day. I eventually quit but only because my lungs would ache for weeks after smoking.

I started sneaking alcohol out of my parent’s whiskey bottle around age 17. It tasted terrible. I was over at a friends house and his Dad had a full bar. We snuck a little bit out of each bottle. It still tasted terrible but I finally got a buzz. I went home and after my Dad came home I ran into the bathroom and got sick. I don’t know how they didn’t know something was going on.

My Dad helped me get a job at a fast food restaurant where a friend of his was a manager. I quickly learned after work was the time for drinking and or smoking weed. I had finally found my niche. People thought it was hilarious my drunken antics. In those days police didn’t bother you if you could stand up and not sound drunk when they asked you a few questions. But my luck wouldn’t last forever. I was heading up island to meet my parents for vacation. After work 3 other employees got in my car and we lit up passing around a pipe. After a while a car that was observing us turned on the lights and we had cops all around us. The cops knew my name from that day forward. The manager of the restaurant threatened to fire me and had my name taken off the work schedule. My girlfriend left me and a friend had been in a serious motorcycle accident and died. It was one of the most traumatic periods of my life. I dealt with it by getting more and more involved with alcohol and drugs. They became my coping mechanism.

A friend of mine came over and we decided to go through the car wash. We decided to get high first. We went to a dead end road and turned the car facing the entrance. We proceeded to light up and drink beer. Much to our surprise a cop car came up the road. We quickly tossed out all beer cans, pipes and marijuana. Unfortunately when my friend threw out the pipe it hit a rock and bounced back towards my car. The cops found it and arrested us. We were taken to the police station and officially charged and given our court summons. I never really heard the real story but the police had good relations with the employees of where I worked. We were called back to the police station and our court summons was ripped up. They yelled at us a bit but they were told they had insufficient evidence. I believe the staff sergeant that I knew probably told them to let us go.

When I got home my dad told me the police called. I told him not to worry about it, that I had taken care of it. That didn’t suffice and to make a long story short I got kicked out of home. That was actually great for me. I knew then I could drink and drug as much as I wanted. I was waiting to leave home so that I could experiment with drugs and try everything. I also wanted to drink whenever I wanted to.

I came close to losing my job after not getting any sleep for 3 days. I knew that drugs would kill me if I didn’t tone it down. The final straw was I wrote a goodbye letter to my parents. Just walking across my living room floor I’d almost collapse and my heart was beating wildly. As I laid on my bed waiting to die I thought of something else. I got up to add a bit more to my goodbye letter. Eventually I realized I wasn’t going to die. I ripped up the letter and stopped doing most hard drugs.

It was time to get a girlfriend. I cleaned up my act and my future wife was working at the restaurant. It wasn’t long before we were shacked up together and traveling across Canada. We eventually got married. She taught me guitar and I was in band before you know it. Playing bars in small towns on the ski hills. I’d usually stay sober but by my last set I would have four drinks lined up on my guitar amp. My drinking escalated. I grew some huge pot plants in my orchard and did other drugs occasionally. I quickly got out of control and my marriage fell apart. I left her and my one year old daughter. Something I’ve always regretted. I won’t go into the details about that.

Fast forward to a new wife and two sons living in Victoria. Drinking was still causing problems in my life. I was once reading the checklist: Are you an Alcoholic? My heart sank when I realized I could click almost all boxes on the list. I realized I had to do something. I looked up about Rehab but you had to be sober to go into it. I couldn’t understand how you could possibly be sober to go into Rehab. I knew I just had to get a whole day under my belt of sobriety. I thought, ‘We are surrounded by islands! I can find someone with a boat. They could drop me off on a deserted island and I could break the bond between me and alcohol. It would only take one night! Then I almost had a panic attack! What would I do if I’m on this island and change my mind and can’t get a drink? What would I do? I quickly threw away that idea.

I knew I would somehow have to change my mindset about alcohol. I was spending a crazy amount of money on it just to feel lousy every day. A doctor had my liver enzymes checked and they were very high. I did quit drinking for over a month just to get my liver enzymes back to normal. When I had my first drink in over a month my friends cheered. But I knew I still had a problem. I was trying to find a book to help me change my mind set. I eventually found Allan Carr’s the Easy Way to Control Alcohol. By the end of the book I was ready to have my last drink. I wrote a goodbye letter to Alcohol. It was very strange not having my glass of whiskey beside me. I would catch myself reaching out for it automatically but it wasn’t there. I found an online support group called The Forum. They were associated with LifeRing in the US. I stayed in contact with them daily. Eventually I became one of the moderators. After about a year sober I found out LifeRing in Canada was looking for Convenors. Michael Walsh had brought LifeRing to Vancouver Island and there was about five meetings on our island. There were a couple in Vancouver but they were connected to the US LifeRing. After being a Convenor for a while Michael Walsh asked me to oversee all the Convenor’s and I said sure. I collected all the donations and was in charge of training and making sure all the meetings ran smoothly. I left the online Forum because it was time to move on. I was thrilled to be part of LifeRing. If I could have afforded it I would have looked after LR and quit my job. Running meetings in Detox was especially eye opening. Much different than running a regular meeting.

But things soon came to an end. A new member came to our group that I butted heads with. It was becoming extremely stressful. I had a couple of blow outs with him. My employment at work was getting very demanding as well. Finally I resigned completely from an organization I used to love. I was close to my five year sobriety. I decided that I would go back to drinking when I hit it. But then I thought…..why wait? I thought I would be able to moderate. I told my wife if I started to drink too much I would just stop. But I found that wasn’t the way it worked. I drank for another five years before I just had enough. I had been seeing a counselor for depression. She was very helpful but she wanted me to quit drinking. I just wasn’t ready even though I knew I had to stop or die.

I discovered Annie Grace’s Alchohol Experiment. I quit for 30 days during the program and remained quit for over a year, I found another tool to add to my tool box. I lost weight, my face lost it’s constant state of redness and puffiness. I was back to being elated from Sobriety. I started attending FB groups like Alcohol Explained, The Naked MInd and many others. I was a Mentor on many Alcohol Experiments to help others. I was back in my glory.

But once again my thoughts strayed. I was having really big problems with tinnitus and hyperaccusis. Sound was my worst enemy. Then depression started sinking in. I was living a life of hell. I decided to go back to drinking. I didn’t care if it killed me. I had to do something to get out of the hell I was in. I withdrew from every support group I had.

But thanks to Freedom Fighters something inside me wanted to stay connected. And I couldn’t or wouldn’t do that drunk. I realized I just had to deal with my problems. Alcohol wouldn’t relieve my problems but only make them worse. My wife said to me one day We spent $700 on alcohol last month. We can’t continue doing that.” We as in me. I knew by then I couldn’t go on like that. Homelessness, divorce and food lineups were what I was destined for. I told my wife, Don’t worry. I have already decided I need to stop.’

So I quit. I know now I just have to deal with my problems in my life when they arise. I quickly got back to the Freedom Fighters. I got back to my connections and FB groups. Connected with a new group called Pillow Pledge. I’ve noticed when I have those dark days that they will end. I don’t feel like drinking anymore when I have them. Drinking just prolongs and worsens the bad days. And the good days are like truly being alive. My health might not be as good as when I was younger but I can still enjoy life. I find that if I stay connected I stay sober. It’s as simple as that. I help others like I have been helped. It really is a journey. There is not room in my life for feeling wasted. Whatever life I have left I want to live it sober….in reality!

Now I have returned to LifeRing Canada for the past 4 years. I volunteer as a Board member and hold Vice President, Secretary, Online Meeting Coordinator and Social Media manager. Being retired has helped me delve so much into my volunteer work with LifeRing.